So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The uberlube is also flammable
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
