I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I met the friendliest cop last night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
