Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
