party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
