just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
