I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
