Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
