Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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