allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
