On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
as a side note pls kill me
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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