he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
