Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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