Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
