Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
