i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
