I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
