i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
