Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
