I forgot how hot balto sounded
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
