Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
