I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
