It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
