girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
