I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
