i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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