Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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