Sry I called you an 8
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I wish there were birth control emojis
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
