He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
