So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
