Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
