the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
