Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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