so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
