i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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