Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
