you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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