Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
