There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So apparently I’m into choking now
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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