the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
