dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
