I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
