the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
