She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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