Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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