Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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