My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
