so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
