hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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