I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
