i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
