dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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