guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
