a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
