I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
