Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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